this past week or two has been quite the doozy.
Rather than go into details of all of the drama and pain and stress and horror and sadness of this week i am going to go into a few things about this year, the past and the hopeful future.
the creation of Satine Phoenix has been more of a spiritual journey to find myself rather than the creation of a character for adult entertainment. Well, it started out as what i thought would be a character i could play but quickly became much more.
The thing about college is that u pay to learn and devote all of your time and energy to school because you’re paying so much for it. You are cultivating your skills to solidify your future, to start a career to sustain the way you hope to live for the rest of your life. after college you start your career and most people dont take another class in their entire life. well, i dropped out of college after 5 years and started in the adult industry. theres no school for this. there are a couple videos to watch but really we are all learning as we go. (until i recently found out about the tantra school and the sex institute in sf)
While working and learning there have been far too many times where i have had to disappear from my friends. first it was 6 months away from my friends to quit smoking and drinking. next it was working out for hours with a trainer for about 6 months to get my body in peak shape so i could become a model/ entertainer. if i wasnt shooting i was working out. if i was doing neither of those i was online looking for work… if i wasnt doing that i was spending time with my ex boyfriend… when i wasnt doing that i was training my dog… or cooking/ eating… or trying to catch up with friends…. or sleeping. so i worked and i worked…. but never had time for me or to develop the inner me. or to paint or really draw or work on my comics or any of the creative ideas ive been plotting for the past few years… or deal with my past/ demons… it was work work work.
then i moved to LA… totally got swept away in the hollywoodness… found new things that interested me: s/m, shmoozing at parties.meeting new people. and all of this created an imbalance in my love life and friendships. my boyfriend left me, he lost my dog, my friends wrote me off (all except those who knew that i was creating something)… and this man.. this master stepped in. and i just wanted to learn… learn learn everything he wanted to teach me. i soaked it up… blindly and without consideration to my friends. but i had to learn. if it was a class, then my friends would have understood, but it was on their possible time that i was doing this so they became angry. … then things happened in the course of the relationship and i moved to australia. some close friends became aggressively upset, some false excited… and most just wrote me off.
While there i learned about humility, how to cook and clean… I had a chance to learn and read and paint… and all the while only kept in contact with a handful of my supposed hundreds of friends. I was un balanced. too much learning and not enough social and independent time. i felt dead. like the world had forgotten about me. but that hand full of people: mainly january, nica and larry kept me going and helped bring me back to america. For this i am forever grateful.
Since ive been back i’ve been trying to figure out what i’m going to do with the rest of my life. I’ve been trying to balance work with pleasure and friendship and love and learning and self therapy. listing these is easy.. the actual balance is hard. there are so many variables. Finding love is complicated when i have love for so many people in so many different ways and they want all to be my only loves. And i cant lie about it. i love many people in many different ways. the Truth is that WORK is my 1 love. Weather its porn or modeling or art.. it doesnt matter. i will always choose to work over hanging out or going out.
The difference between what i do and what other people do is that they have a set schedule. 9-5 or whatever and on their off time.. well, they’ve already gone to school so they’re not interested in learning much else… most people like to hang out at bars.. i dont drink.. so i like to go to a place for a reason, if i’m going to stay out late: bday, industry event. otherwise i’d rather go to sleep early to get my full nights sleep so i can go work out in the morning. but my schedule i have to make every month. I have to find my paid work and i enjoy the randomness of it. it just makes it really hard to make plans with people. Some understand and some dont. but even deeper than all of this…
my past has caught up with me. all the pain and hardship and jaded memories i’m having to deal with and as much as i love being the shiny beacon of light… i’ve a lot of demons to face and have been silent this year because i have actually been dealing with them and the depression that runs with them. I’m facing my monsters. and as an internet friend realized (and i wonder why my close friends dont) “it means drama when (i’m) silent”. its true.
My conclusion is that i’ve decided to learn more about the human body (tantra, radical life extension, sex, fitness) but in order to do this i’m going to have to be even busier and spend more time reading. I have all these creative plans that i need to stay home for and since i’ve had many of my friends complain that i dont love them or appreciate them because i am too busy for them.. i want to say… i am sorry i can not give you the attention you are looking for. this next year or two is going to be a hard one as i’m going to be creating and learning. it does not mean i dont love each and every one of you, it just means that i need to focus on learning. doing normal adult things like going out and dating and dinners with friends… is going to have to wait. i have much to learn about the career i have chosen for myself: Sex entertainer/educator/illustrator. What started out as a fun idea is now being developed into something larger than myself. Those who wish to be intimate with me have not been able to handle the love i have and want to share with others. And i have so much love to share and to teach…
So to those who are looking for a booty call… look elsewhere
to my friends, hopefully i can see you all at events or through kind messages or if you want to stop by my home please do.
to my lovers please excuse my distance and if you cant, i hope you find love. if you can be patient we can have beautiful moments together that i will always treasure.
There is so much to each of us.. i almost forgot all of the things that i hope to do with my life. and now, on my spiritual journey, my hopes are my realities.
There’s just so much going on. and i love you all.. but right now.. i need to be alone.
my return to saturn is incredible.
~Satine
